I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
