i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
