If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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