checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize