im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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