I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
