He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
