Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
