Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Is it because I queefed?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
