He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just cropdusted the office
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
