I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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