I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
