I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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