I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize