just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
