phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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