It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I need to calm my uterus...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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