please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
