My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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