your parents love me but you hate me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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