Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
