i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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