grandma shit on top of the toilet
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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