does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
