I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
