Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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