I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
