im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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