Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
