I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.