someone owes me an orgasm
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...