I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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