i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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