Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
