Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
