My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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