If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize