im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
