I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
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Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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