I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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