I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize