I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
