What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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