someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
