Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
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Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
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The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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