John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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