I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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