I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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