Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
