How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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