too bad you live with your parents still
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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