It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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