so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
