my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
