I wannas sexs uuuuu
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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