I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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