its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
nutella sex= disaster
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
