Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
