I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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