So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
